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Sunday, September 29th, 2002
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.........EH. I made a new journal, it's kittyz_rawr so if you give a fuck, i will be writing there instead of here. I would go back to writing in skygrrl, but for a certain reason I decided to just make an entirely new one. Heh, im a dork.
Still sick....
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Comments: Read 2 or Add Your Own.
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ATTENTION ALL FALCON GIRLS WHO'VE ASKED,
THE REALLY HOT GUY WITH THE TOUNGE RING IS CHARLIE. HE GRADUATED IN 2001 AND GOES TO OCC. NO, HE IS NOT GAY. IN FACT, HE'S MY EX BF. NO, HE ISN'T BI. I KNOW THAT TOO. LALALA...
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Saturday, September 28th, 2002
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I have an overwhelming sense of disapointment right now. I'm missing homecoming. I'm missing my friends. I just don't feel up to it, i'm too sick... I did go to the end of the football game though. Woa, I feel famous. It's really cool to have people absolutely freaking out in happiness at your presense. HEHE, special. What's even more special is that last night I dreamed I had a penis. My dream was that I was peeing for a really long time. And I'm like "Wow, this must be a world record" and then I thought "Hey, I have a penis" and then i'm like "Wait...do girls have penises?" I truly couldnt remember and was "confused"..... HAHA. So yeah, I'm missing homecoming. *sobs* I'm just a BIT depressed. Going back to high school made me realize how big the world is out there. I mean, your in high school and thats your whole little world....and then you go out, and theres so much more out there. Like, college. But theres more than just college...there's like, all these other cultures and so much out there. OoOooOoO i'm so deep now. Heh, just kidding. Anyway, to anyone who reads this... have a good day. Later.
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Wednesday, September 25th, 2002
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I talked to Scott about how he offended me and stuff...and he was very sweet about it. I knew it wasn't his fault he was a dick... :)
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glowing escape: there must be reason why you didnt die .... you must tbe destined to do something great
SatanzCarebear: you mean like bracelet porn?
glowing escape: yes
glowing escape: lol
SatanzCarebear: hehe
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If I get really, really desperate I can move to Wyoming and live with my aunt for awhile. But is that something I really wanna do!? I wanna be with my friends :/
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Note to J-
Now how can I phrase this? Oh I know!
...Tsk tsk tsk! No Stealage of the kisses, please. She is MINE!
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Tuesday, September 24th, 2002
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Scott was kinda upseting me last night... not intentionally anyway, just bein' a natuaral dickhead i guess. He was just asking me all these questions and saying I was "denying myself pleasure" and bullshit. He just kinda brought to the surface feelings I already had, and now I feel really, really sad again. I'm so sick of how things are, but its a little bit my fault cause i've been feeding into everything I don't like. I wish I could just have fun and be happy and not feel how I do, but no. THIS IS BULLSHIT. I hate not knowing what I want, it screws me over so much. My sense of self isn't as clear as it probably should, and I feel like an insecure little 13 year old. It's not fun. I hate being my age, if I was just one year younger, my life would be a lot easier because i'd be closer to what I want to be and where I think I should be. ANYWAY, I fucking hate labels. Their part of the problem. When you label yourself into something, everybody's different assumptions and stereotypes pop into their head, and they automatically have a certain mindset about you, even when they don't really know YOU. And everybody is different. Instead of being better able to conform to some group or sterotype, i'd much rather just be myself. fuck them, I don't care. life is errrrrrrrrrr.
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Monday, September 23rd, 2002
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This weekend wasn't perfect, but pretty good. I'm glad I have Charlie in my life. Without that, I dunno how i'd make it. But
I've been doin a lot of thinkin, and WHAT THE FUCK WAS I THINKING!? I can't let Charlie replace Marie... I can't let that happen. That is not the kind of friend I want to be. I mean, hell, I love Charlie, but I need to try harder to be there for Marie. Damn distance.
i literally live for my friends, but i'mma screw up in so many ways.
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| Time: | 12:34 am. |
| Mood: |  curious. |
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OK, so theres a chance Curiousity might rape the kitty. But maybe not...
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Monday, September 16th, 2002
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I miss my all time favorite sport, "beating up Jeff"... It was so fun, and just a great way to get out all that adreneline. I mean, it wasnt that challenging or anything, just funtimes. One time, however, I didnt just beat him up for the hell of it, I did it cuz I wanted to kill him. Well, i'm not that evil. But I was really really pissed and wanted to make him hurt bad, the way that siblings fight when their younger. He went home crying. I felt bad. I wrote a long entry about that day in the livejournal i had before this one. It was an emotional time indeed... In conclusion, I will always cherish the memories of beating up Jeff.
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Friday, September 13th, 2002
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| Time: | 2:49 am. |
| Mood: |  horny. |
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Luckily I went out tonight. I would have gone insane.
I really need a boy. Sleeping alone isn't so cool...
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Thursday, September 12th, 2002
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| Time: | 8:29 pm. |
| Mood: | horny. |
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I HATE when people ask me if other people are hot.
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Wednesday, September 11th, 2002
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| Time: | 9:47 am. |
| Mood: | confused. |
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I don't like her *that* way
:/
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Tuesday, September 10th, 2002
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This was my weekend. (Like you care!!!) Charlie picked me up from MSU, and we got some food, and we drove to the campsite. It was like 8ish when we got there. I met some dudes, *(for awhile I was the only chick.)* Charlie and one of his friends had to leave to go do something, and one of the guys was being an "asshole" to me, just because Charlie told him he had to be nice. He had green bracelets, and a green tounge ring, and green hair. Oh yea, green clothes. heh.. His favorite color. I dunno, I thought that was pretty sexy.
Afterthat, things really sucked. sucked sucked sucked. I dunno, I was depressed, and I drank a lot, and was suicidal feeling. I was feeling really out of place and wanted to just...disapear. I fucking hate feeling like i SHOULDNT EXIST. it sucks alot. So I called people on my cell phone. That sorta helped. I'm glad I have friends out there.
The next day was better, I think because I hung out mainly JUST with Charlie and not all those other (evil, evil) people. We saw a movie and went in town and stuff. Oh yeah. And I was being a major tease. Before we left for town, I went in the tent to change, but Charlie came in there too for some reason. And I was too embrassed to change in front of him. I don't know WHY but I was. So to avoid changing, I laid down cuz I was still sorta tired and that was just the thing to do. So we started making out and what not, and he kept trying to get in my pants but I kept rejecting him and saying Noooooo we're going to the movie. And then i'd sit up but i'd end up laying back down, cuz that was still the thing to do. And we started making out and stuff again, and still I rejected him. About 5 times. Then he got in my pants for like 3 seconds, and i'm like "movie time!!" and FINALLY made it outta the tent. It ruled.
So we went to the movies. I DONT REMEMBER WHAT WE SAW. Wait no, thats just cuz I have a hangover. We saw Austin Powers 3. I was kinda teasing him during the movie too, so he had to leave the theater with a boner.
Hmmmmm...then we went to good ol' meijer and otherplaces. When we got back to the campsite, I wanted to go swimming at the lake. In my clothes. I still havent gotten a new bathing suit. I think its cuz I hate my body with a pasion and LIKE swimming with my CLOTHES on. Yeah, thats it.
Anyway, The lake was cold...and I was walking deeper and deeper really slowly like a little baby just learning to walk. And then all of a sudden, Charlie pushed me in all the way. AHH coldness. So we were making out in the water, and HE BADLY WANTED IN MY PANTS but I wouldnt let him. He was getting confused. But yeah. I got in his pants. We caused a scene, and I was shivering to death so Charlie said we better get going. He came outta the lake with this megaboner and guys were staring at him. It was funny.
Afterthat, I ACTUALLY LET HIM GO IN MY PANTS. Wow... And not only that, I actually had sex with him after all that rejection. The sex was actually decent, cuz I really wanted to do it by that time. Charlie said "I love you" to me, and I said it back. He said it last weekend too. I do love him, I wish I had a better idea where we stand though.
Afterthat, we got outta the tent to "join the party"... I drank one beer, and then went to bed shortly after. No repeats of the night before for me. Then at 6AM Charlie was getting outta the tent to take a piss in the woods, and I had to pee really bad too, and he was sweet about it and drove me over to the bathrooms by the lake. Afterthat we tried going back to sleep, but the tent was soooo hot. So we got up, hung around, and left...
We went back to Farmington, and I saw my Marie. We decided to go to the mall since theres NOTHING else to do EVER. I used my Sam Goody gift card to buy the Britney Spears CD. Me and Marie are fans of Britney Spears now, so we needed the damn CD. Afterthat, Charlie walked around with some people we knew, and me and I treated Marie out to lunch. Food=yummy. Marie asked me what was up with me and Charlie, cuz we seemed "closer"...
Ah, man. I can tell her pretty much ANYTHING, but I cant tell her about me and Charlie. When we went back to her house, me, Charlie, Marie, and Jon were watching TV.... and I was looking at them all, and got a really weird feeling. Cuz i've "been with" all three of them, even Jon one time. Ya, that wasn't so legal. And its like, if they ever found out about it....it would be pretty damn weird....and...bad, real bad.
Anyway, Charlie was driving me back to MSU but we got stuck in a mega traffic jam. I was being silly, and taking pictures of people in their cars. They didnt like that too much. The traffic jam was bad as hell, and we ended up not making it to MSU, but turning around instead. Me and Charlie were talking about how I feel suicidal sometimes, and how he doesnt think his family loves him and how he has to take happy pills to be socially accepted, and has a lot of acquantances but very few friends....... it got pretty emotional and he was pretty much in tears. Awww... i told him that i really really care about him, and i do. I love him so much...im just really confused about things, like where I stand with him and with everyone. Me and Charlie are so close, and i'm even goin home next weekend to be able to see him. Cuz we were saying we didnt know when we would see eachother again, and it would be weird to me to NOT see him. Anyways, even though we are close now, its confusing, and I gotta keep my options open. even if i end up hooking up with other people, the most important thing is just to be a good friend to him.
I wanna run away...i'll probably stay at MSU this year, but I mean, once I find the right person, i wanna run away. I just have this feeling like its something I really wanna do...just leave, go somewhere else...for who knows how long. My brain says that that is just throwing away my future, so i'm confused. But I went to college cuz thats whats expected, and I know I can stay in and work hard and do something...but what if im not happy that way? I just need to go off, do something a little different for awhile...
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i got tooooooooo drunk
ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
charlie gave me jack daniels.
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Monday, September 9th, 2002
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Nothing in my life is set in stone, and I know all I can do is let things happen the way they will, but what if I end up with nothing? It's like i'm holding a handful of sand that can all slip through my fingers.......too easily.
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Wednesday, September 4th, 2002
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I got up about 20 minutes ago, and wrote a poem.
No wonder i'm blind, we're so blind
The place we live is a lie, a censored cry
And the floresent lights burn out our eyes
Raised to label our true thoughts as secrets absurd
Just a society of screaming souls, rarely heard
All desperately searching for someone to share the world
Because without them, we are empty.
Without our hopes, and dreams, and truths, we are nothing
Just wanderers lost in the floresent lights of life
I have to get away from this place, be free, not confined
When I look up at the sky, I am no longer blind
The sky and it's light are the sourse of everything real
And only when I gaze up at the moon and the stars, can I ever begin to feel
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I'm really tired and my stomach is growling at me. eek...
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Monday, September 2nd, 2002
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When Charlie came over we started making out and all clothes were removed and then my roomate comes in. . . Wonderful. Just wonderful. She handled that pretty well and left right away, I just kept saying "Sorry"... Then, after she left, I kept asking Charlie "why does my life suck?" and saying that I was now scarred for life... I'll look back on it an lauph though..........eventually. Heh.
After that little incident we got dressed pretty quick, and I think James called. James is a very cool dork and definately makes my favorite guys list. The three of us went out to eat and I ended up with some weird ass salad in front of me. How disapointing.
Afterwards, we went over to Bailey, where James lives. I met a bunch of new people, and had a good time. The dorms over there are so much more loud and open, their a lot more fun. Too bad I can't live there...
When James had to work, me and Charlie left and went back to Wonders. For awhile we just laid on the grass outside... I liked that. When we finally went back in, we had sex. On the floor, not the loft. I'm not ready for loft sex quite yet. Anyway, the sex was.....eh.....and we went to sleep in my loft. I gave him a hand job so we had to take a shower. Good thing it wasn't commnity bathrooms. Charlie ended up sleeping on the futon thing, and I slept on my loft.
The next day, I wouldn't get out of bed for a long ass time after we woke up. So we just talked for awhile. Then we took showers again, and went to go get food. We left east lansing at about 3:30 and drove home.
First we went to my aunt's house to drop off all my shit, and think about what we were going to do. He didnt have any plans for the rest of the day, and I wanted to hang out with him. We ended up laying on the grass outside holding hands and talking about a lot of stuff. I feel closer to him. He's one of my favorite guys and I don't really regret anything, even though a lot more happend than expected. I'm really glad we got to spend the time together, because friendship with him is really important to me. I want to be a good friend to him, cos I care about him a lot and I think he needs me. I don't want to be like the other people in his life who ditch him always. Anyways, Marie called and wanted to know when we were coming back. I just wanted to keep laying there with Charlie, and we stayed out there for like another half hour before we left.
We went to the mall, watched movies, and I spent the night. Nothing too exciting. Today wasn't that exciting either cos me and Marie had nobody to hang out with. We tried EVERYONE almost.
Tomarrow i'm hanging out with Greg. YET ANOTHER FAVORITE GUY! Maybe that will be interesting. Mmmhmm. Should be.
After that i'm back to MSU. Eeeeeek. Theres too much to worry about there. Math, the fact that I lost my key forever, homework to do, ect. I can't wait till next weekend because me and Charlie and his friends are going camping. WOOHOO! CAMPING!!!!
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Wednesday, August 28th, 2002
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I like my classes, except their a shitload of work. :/ However, I HATE MATH VERY MUCH.
I'm looking forward to the weekend. A LOT. I think it'll be awesome...
Charlie (my ex) is picking me up friday and we are gunna hang out.
And i'll get to see marie... i miss her.
And hopefully i'll get to see greg on sunday. he hasnt had a girlfriend in forever. WHY?! I dont undersand. He's one of my favorite guys. We joke around all the time, but I think that if I wanted to he would have sex with me... WHAT WHAT? thats amusing. I thought I was "like a sister" to him. But I guess horniness is like that...greg and his big cock. I love my homedawg. NEED TO SEE GREG.
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batchild's journal
sore.